Breaking promises to myself (avoiding)

I recently ran a marathon. And it was about damn time.

Back-story: I was a runner in high school. Cross country and track. I ran off and on throughout adulthood and didn’t get serious about it again until 11 years ago. 2012 was an emotionally charged and hectic year. I decided that I was going to start running seriously again and did. I began running daily and fell in love with it all over again. It is true that running is one of the best endorphin producing activities. I ran just for the sake of running. I ran an 18 mile hill climb and competed most days just against the clock. But because I am not genuinely competitive I slowly started to skip my runs as my life settled down and I didn’t want to spend so much time on the road putting in the miles. Long story short I had pretty much quit running except for bursts here and there of wanting to “get back into shape.”

Fast forward to this year. I made a promise to myself that I was going to run a marathon this year. I signed up for it (for two of them actually; but that wasn’t anything new, I have been signing up for marathons for years) and thought that would motivate me to get running. The marathon was in May, I thought for sure starting running seriously in January would get me in shape. Then I thought that in February, then March, then April I was really going to push it; you get the picture. I had run exactly two long runs and only a handful of other runs as my marathon “training.” Needless to say I was not prepared. I did it anyway.

Before the race I felt a strange peacefulness and calm. I knew I wasn’t ready but I was doing it anyway. Why? Because I ran out of excuses. Simply put, I had made a “promise” to myself January 1st; one that I had made over and over for years and I was just tired of letting myself down. Tired of avoiding.

Before the race I had a time in mind that I thought I could run a marathon; one mile in, I swiftly changed my expectations to: I want to finish and I don’t want to be last. Running is hard. For me, it has nothing to do with my lungs, my legs, or my body in general, it is all a head game for me. I quickly changed my focus to just keep moving forward instead of attaining a certain time. I never wanted to quit and I was rather fascinated with the process of knowing I was not going to do well but knowing certainly that I was going to finish and I was going to be proud of myself. I allowed myself to walk, I allowed myself to stop at every water table and even use a port-a-potty once.

I have thought a lot about that race since running it. When the race started and I was really doing it I told myself that this was a one and done. Now I know that it was my FIRST marathon (like childbirth, you think you are never doing that again while you are in it, but you change your mind as soon as you hold that baby and forget about the agonizing contractions). I have quite often used running as a metaphor for life. I had so many thoughts swirling around my head as I ran/walked up hills and sailed down the other side; as I passed people and got passed; as I looked down and concentrated on the steps I was in instead of looking ahead and feeling over-whelmed. I thought about how good my body felt while running and about how sore I was the minute I got in my car after. The main thing I have thought about is why this time did I keep that promise to myself? and, why do I break promises to myself so often? What am I avoiding?

Avoidance is rooted in fear. Fear of disappointing, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of confrontation, or fear of situations. It can show up as anxiety and it can look like breaking promises to yourself.

When we perceive a threat our brain doesn’t know that it is only a perception, it assumes it is real and runs with it, reacting accordingly. The perceived threat can be fear of failure or the fear of confrontation (that’s my big one) or the fear of success even. The brain will then start the avoidance process. Then you have to deal with the result.

Using myself as an example, I will avoid anything that I perceive as going to be confrontational. Like putting anything I want to do as a priority instead of working extra hard to make others happy. This is learned behavior on my part. My current situation hasn’t taught me this, I learned it years ago and it rears its ugly head when I perceive that I am being selfish and making my health and wellness a priority. Coming out of an abusive relationship the year I became serious about running is not a coincidence.

Feelings are not a choice. What we do with them is.

I am a do-over, clean slate, lover of Mondays, and starting over is appealing to me; so when I avoid and break a promise to myself I just tell myself I will do it tomorrow, I will start again, etc. You can imagine how much I love New Year’s Day. A whole year to start anew.

I keep promises and meet obligations and responsibilities with others. I am on-time for work, I do my job, I do what I say I’m going to do with family and friends. I hopefully exceed expectations with others; so why do I let myself down so often?

I joke that I have no internal motivation. But it’s really not funny. I am not competitive at all in any area of my life and I never have been. So I don’t have much external motivation either when it comes to keeping up with the Jones’ or trying to be better at something than someone else. There are certain things that drive me though. I am driven by right and wrong and idealism and wanting others to be happy. Ah….now we are getting somewhere. I am driven by not wanting to be the reason someone is unhappy and I will do whatever I can to make people happy and not disappoint them. Ah…..now we are getting close. I give up my happiness or dreams to make others happy because I know in my heart that I can start over. Thus the breaking of promises to myself. Thus the avoiding of things I fear; but also things I really want to do.

So why did I follow through with this one? About three weeks before the marathon something happened (that story is a different blog post to come) that brought a lot of things into focus for me. I suddenly realized I was in a situation that I had “Promised” myself I would never be in again (in fact, 2012 was when I made myself that promise) It’s like a lightbulb came on and I could see very clearly. I had been avoiding the reality of the situation, avoiding confrontation. I could go one of two ways: keep doing what I was doing and be totally taken advantage of, or keep the promise to myself, albeit late, but not too late. I could still get out of the situation. Stop avoiding and meet it head on.

That’s what I did, am doing. I am working toward keeping that promise to myself and it has snowballed into keeping other promises to myself. Thus, the actual running of a marathon.

As confusing and convoluted as all of this is, I think it might have a ring of truth to many. I wonder if you are like that at all. Do you keep promises to everyone else and yet let yourself down over and over? Do you stay in the job that you promised yourself you would be out of by now? Do you skip the workout that you promised yourself you would do because you are going to do something for someone else and not take the time for yourself? Do you make the meal someone else wants instead of the big salad you wanted to eat? Do you stay in a friendship or business relationship because you don’t know how to break that promise to someone else, so you will just keep breaking the one to yourself? Do you quit on yourself? Do you not follow through? Do you avoid?

Keeping a promise is just one example of things that people can do for themselves. Motivation and having a “why” is what makes the promise keeping or any other activity that you do happen or not happen.

Motivation can be either internal or external. Intrinsic motivation (internal motivation) is the desire or motivation to behave in a certain way or do a certain thing because of the satisfaction of that behavior or act rather than any reward or outcome. In other words, it’s doing something for the joy of doing it. Period. So….what if the “thing” is hard? What if we won’t get joy out of doing it? There goes the internal motivation. Does that mean we have to rely on external motivation?

External motivation is outside of you. It can be reward, punishment, or even compliance.

Internal motivation leads to more autonomy and external involves others or feelings/thoughts about others outside of yourself.

What is something you keep putting off? Something you have been avoiding for days/months/years? What fear is it mired in? Can you find the motivation within yourself to do the thing? If not, can you find something outside of yourself something outside of the joy of doing the thing that will move you in the direction away from avoidance toward doing the thing?

For me, I just finally realized that I am not getting any younger. I am wasting time on fear of confrontation when I could be moving forward in my journey in a positive meaningful fun way. That is my internal motivation that is turning me toward the hard things, away from avoidance and into the face of my future, long hard runs and all.

Email me and let me know what you are working on. What has you stuck? Avoiding? How have you chosen to move forward?