Comparison and belonging
What is the biggest killer of joy for a woman? Comparison.
What time of year is the worst for this killer of joy? Right now.
The weather is getting warm and we are shedding layers of clothing, dreaming of days at the beach, park, outside somewhere. We are thinking about how we did not lose the weight; how we didn’t keep working out; how we ate the thing… more than once.
If comparison is a thief of joy what is a builder of joy? Belonging/Acceptance.
So let me get this straight. Belonging will bring joy but the killer of that joy will be comparing myself, and all of my short-comings, to everyone else in whatever group it is I want to belong. Super.
The comparison game is at an all-time high level right now. With Insta-worthy pictures and Facebook/Twitter/Tiktok posts and videos being front and center and constantly available it’s hard to turn it off in our own minds and bodies. I believe we all know in our common sense centers that people only post the best of the best. The face they want the world to see. We know this isn’t reality; but if we have even a hint of self-doubt or “less than” going on in our worthiness scale then it is going to tip toward not being good enough. That little bit (or a lot) of comparison can stop our joy in its tracks. It makes us feel as though we are unworthy of belonging.
There is no such thing as a PERFECT body. There is a healthy body and an unhealthy body. Every body is beautiful and truly amazing. The way the heart muscle pumps blood to every part of you, the way your brain uses sugar for energy, the way those thoughts, feelings, impulses course through your body, the way hair grows on your head, your arms, your legs and your uh huh; the way you can move your arms and legs and propel yourself forward and your lungs move that air in and out. And don’t get me started on how incredible it is to make a baby, carry a baby and birth a baby. The way your GI tract takes something in your mouth and moves it through your body taking nutrients and flushing junk.
The fact that no two humans are exactly alike makes you special right from the get-go. No two bodies have had the exact experiences. Every filter-free mom has stretch marks somewhere; if no work has been done then those breasts and bladders are way more saggy than they used to be. Everyone has rolls when they bend over or sit down.
The girls that you may be comparing yourself to might feel too skinny, wish they had some curves. They may wish they had children. They may wish their hair weren’t so straight and shiny, they wish for curls and a different shade. They wish for more adventure and fun, a better job, a better car, a partner, to not be on a diet every day of their life.
The point is that aside from air-brushing, photo-shopping, and scalpels, no one is perfect.
Maybe we need to refocus what we want to belong to and what will truly make us feel accepted and joyful? Is there a time when you are genuinely not comparing yourself and you are happy? That is the space you want to go to, grow in, gravitate to more often, invite others to.
If you are running the run, you don’t have to not jiggle. You are out there doing more than the person sitting on the couch. You jiggle all you want. If you are doing yoga, you do not have to fit into just a sports bra and teeny tiny shorts. If you are playing on the beach, play on the beach, who really cares what you look like? Nobody. Nobody cares. They will see your smile, hear your laughter, and wish they were up playing in the waves instead of hiding behind a book and a cover-up. If you are taking your kids to the pool, get in there with them, or not but enjoy the sun, water, lemonade and snacks. Get wet, sticky, and playful. I guarantee the other mothers are admiring your playfulness, not looking at your belly. If you are wearing shorts and showing off your thighs, you go girl. Those thighs have walked a thousand miles bouncing a baby, pushing swings, getting groceries, loving on a partner, being a lap for snuggles, run, walked, biked, and just waiting to get tan.
Where are you trying to belong? If belonging leads you to comparing, then perhaps you need to switch your goal of fitting in to true acceptance into a space that builds joy. Pure joy. No need to change, compare, “fit in,” or feel bad about yourself.
Comparison: joy killer
Belonging/Acceptance: Joy builder
Simple. Not easy.
