Narcissists: How to Live and work with them…or not

(If you are a narcissist don’t bother reading this because you will just think it is about someone else.)

Being told “No.” Being questioned. Having the spotlight on someone else. The three biggest things that a narcissist hates. If you are in their sphere when any of them happen you will pay dearly. The tongue-lashing, the punishing behavior, the ranting and raving, the silent treatment, the turning everything around to be your fault, etc. It is the most mind-bending thing in the world and it is a deep engrained pattern of behavior that will affect its victims in many ways.

(Disclaimer: This is a blog. It is not a scientific newsletter. It is my personal opinion based on life events, outcomes, feelings, hopes, and wonder. Although I do base a lot of my opinions on scientific findings; I am first and foremost just an observer and learner.)

Something and nothing has reminded me lately of why I am attracted to or attract narcissists into my life and what I should be doing about that. It has made me review the last 35 years of my life and wonder how I keep following the same pattern. I don’t want to change most of the things in my personality that attract narcissists: faith, love, trust, naivety, being an introvert, and empathy. But I do want to work on a couple of things: fear of confrontation and my need to make sure everyone is happy.

I’m somewhat reluctant to talk about narcissism because it is a very popular label to put on people these days now that we label everything and everyone. The diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is a serious thing and should not be confused with selfish or self-centered. It is also something we should not throw around lightly. A mental illness disorder diagnosis can only be made by a doctor, or other licensed mental health professional; not a pissed off wife, friend, or child.

Freud wrote about narcissism being a normal childhood stage of development where the young child/toddler can only think about themselves and then develops that self think to extend outside of him/herself and show up as love and empathy for others and not self-centeredness. Think about how many times you tell a three-year old to share.

My story is not that unusual. I got married very young to a narcissist and it set me up for attracting narcissists forever more. I am trusting and non-confrontational to a fault. My greatest desire is for everyone to be happy. Not necessarily with me; I don’t care what people think about me. I just want them to be happy and if I can aid in that happiness then I am all over it. These traits came out the minute the wedding bells sounded and fell right into the hands of a punishing, competitive, controlling egotistical man.

Since then I have had four significant working/friendship situations with narcissists that have been so similar that I can’t even believe it. To say that I feel like a chump is putting it mildly. They are attracted to the giver and doer in me and I am attracted to their charm and need for my help. I just want everyone to be happy, remember? I am the perfect audience for their show. I get neck deep in before I start to recognize what is going on. They will do something that shows their true colors and I am stuck at that point.

Mayo Clinic defines Narcissistic personality disorder as: “... a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.”

Signs and Symptoms according to Mayo Clinic are:

an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment. Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people. Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important. Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them. Take advantage of others to get what they want. Be envious of others and believe others envy them. Be recognized as superior even without achievements.”

My experience has taught me four major things about narcissists. 1. If you were raised by a narcissist you are most likely a narcissist or have very strong narcissistic tendencies 2. If you were in an abusive relationship with a narcissist in your formative years, you will attract and be attracted to narcissists 3. If in a confrontation with a narcissist, they are not really talking to you, they are talking to the narcissist who raised them. 4. A narcissist will lie about anything and everything and in their stories they tell they will either be the victim or the hero. They are never the villain.

What does any of this have to do with work or relationships? (for me work is Nursing)

If you work with someone who is high in narcissism you may encounter aggression from them if their self-esteem is threatened. They will be confrontational and frequently misinterpret other’s behaviors as threatening to them if they are given anything other than praise and recognition.

A narcissistic nurse ( or any other healthcare/service oriented worker) can be problematic because they are doing caring work and yet it just may be for praise and acknowledgement. If they have to do jobs that they feel demean them or go unnoticed they may become disruptive. If a patient or family member disrespects them, they will be greatly troubled by the “rude” behavior and not want to take care of that patient.

So how could my past relationships with narcissists affect me at work? As a nurse who has been significantly affected by multiple narcissists (3 of them nurses), I would not allow myself to become attached to a job; I would be emotionally unavailable at work, I would have big boundaries with patients and families because I have been burned by not having enough in my personal life. I could come off intense or cold because I do not want to become involved with others. If I remain aloof, I will not get hurt.

So how does the magnet continue to pull even though I am aware of it on some level? It is that old story of trusting people blindly because I can’t imagine doing the things that narcissists do so easily (lying, using, lying, using). Remember a narcissist or someone with strong narcissistic tendencies is very charming, charismatic, and cute even. Very attractive.

Another very common word or label in today’s society is empath. An empath is described as someone who feels the feelings and energy of those around them more than most people do. They have overwhelming empathy for others. What is the relationship attraction between empaths and narcissists? It is very strong. In fact a lot of narcissists will describe themselves as an empath; especially if they work in the holistic or healing arena: massage, yoga, healthcare, counseling, etc. Because narcissists always have their radars scanning for what others are thinking about them they can consider that as picking up on others’ feelings. A true empath will be attracted to a narcissist because narcissists give off such strong feelings and energy. The difference is that narcissists are concerned with themselves and what feelings and energy are coming at them about them. Empaths are affected by others’ feelings, emotions, and energy. Period. It does not have to be about them, directed toward them, or concern them in any way.

At the end of the day the difference between a narcissist and an empath is this: an empath will lie awake thinking/wondering/worrying about how such and such made others feel; a narcissist will think about how something made them feel.

What is the take-away? What can you do if you are in relationship with a narcissist, whether just working on the same team, in business with, or married to?

First, I would encourage anyone who is struggling with any relationship to seek counseling. Therapy can help you become equipped to handle any relationship struggle; can help you with you and your reactions, actions, thoughts, and feelings. Therapy only works though if everyone involved is honest. (this is why narcissists are not successful with therapy for the most part, they lie and will not recognize their own faults).

Second, don't take things that an adult child of a narcissist says to you personally. They aren’t talking to you. They are talking to Mama or Daddy. They are saying things to you that they couldn’t growing up. In the moments when they do mean the horrible thing they are saying remember that the narcissistic apple does not fall far from the tree.

Third, remember that every one of their interactions has to be about them. They need to hear positive things and applause and glowing reviews each and every time or they will turn it into a confrontation. They are blunt and brutal. But remember it isn’t about you or even based in reality. Their perception will always be clouded by their need to be praised.

Telling a narcissist NO is the hardest thing AND the most effective. “No you will not talk to me that way.” “No you will not treat me that way.” “ No I will not listen. “ “No I will no longer do that for you.” “No I will not go along with your story.”

No is the word they hate the most and the one they will actually hear.

I am generalizing. Not all narcissists act in exactly the same ways; however, the above mentioned traits are typically seen to some degree in all narcissists, it is to what degree they express them that makes everyone different.

Someone who recognizes that their parent is a narcissist may not want to believe it about themselves and will deny it even when they are in full-blown foot stomping melt-down over someone else getting the biggest balloon. I don’t know what getting help looks like for them. They are able to recognize it in others but not name it in themselves. Perhaps it is denial, perhaps self-preservation, or perhaps just another way the disorder manifests itself. The inability to recognize makes it hard to treat. Therefore, therapy is common amongst narcissists but they are usually there to discuss their parent or the others in their lives who are the problem. Therein lies the problem.

For me, I know I will always be drawn to the charisma of a narcissists. I just hope I have gained enough insight into my needs and faults to be able to say NO in the future and not be sucked into relationship. I will be able to work near them without crossing into anything more than that. (Hopefully.)

I am curious as to what you think about this subject: contact me and let me know how you handle the narcissists in your life; or what questions you may have.