One of the keys to finding and keeping adult friends is rather obvious: you have to be a friend. In order to do that you need to know a little bit about what kind of friend you are and what kind of person you want to befriend. If you don’t, then your friendships will be fleeting and far between.

For instance, are you an anxious friend: check in all the time, always needing to know that the relationship is OK. Are you a detached friend: open and available on your terms only. Are you a mixture: sometimes very attentive, other times not so much. Are you seeking deep long term relationships or just someone to do things with?

There is the whole introvert/extrovert issue. Do you get your energy from being around people (extrovert); or do you get recharged by being alone (introvert). Being extroverted doesn’t mean you have to be going all the time and that you can’t be alone; and introverted doesn’t mean you don’t like to be with people. It is an energy issue.

For example, I am an introvert. I love to be alone, but if I am with people that I love, respect, find interesting, or am caring for, then I can be down right chatty, chummy, and friendly. I am private and take a long time to warm up to people. Years even. I like to build a foundation of trust and common interests, that’s why most of my friends are people I have worked with at one time or another.

There is an exception to my general pattern though and that is when I attract a narcissist. I am a narcissist magnet, probably most introverts are. We are more quiet, laid back, and brainy to their showiness, their need for attention. We are more than happy to not be in the spotlight. The problem for me has been that they don’t make good long-term friends because it is all surface show and when they are displeased with me for getting some of their attention, or catching them in their lies, it is over, or I will be punished first, and then it will be over.

Having learned these things about myself, gives me a toolbox for building adult friendships. I still get side-swiped by the occasional narcissist and I get knocked back and forget what a true friend is, from time to time; but I can recover quicker now that I know what is going on.

Friendship is a two-way street. It is a relationship you choose. It is family that you pick.

Because I am more the kind of friend that hangs back, communicates infrequently, but would do anything for you and genuinely loves to be around you, I am attracted to that sort of person.

So what is in my adult friendship toolbox: my radar for narcissistic behavior; my boundaries of my time and energy; my desire to connect on a deep level over common interests; my desire to be inspired by someone else; my desire for fun; trust; love; experience; AND the knowledge that I have a few stellar friends and am A-OK with never making a new one AND knowing adding to my fistful of meaningful people would be pretty sweet too.

What type of friend are you? Do you know what you want in a friend? Do you know what you are attracted to? Do you know what you attract?

Once we get the who am I and who do I want to hang out with figured out, we need to find these people. That will be next week’s blog post, part #3 of the Adult Friendship Series.

As always: drop me a line (joannabfrn@hotmail.com or forthenursessoul@outlook.com) and/or sign up for the newsletter.

P.S. I feel like I need to address the internet “friends” situation here. “Friends” on Facebook and following people on the other social media sights is not an accurate depiction or definition of the word, meaning or feeling of friendship. Friendship is intimate. While it is true that two people can be friends that have never met, “friends” on Facebook is merely a misuse of the word indicating that you recognize a face or person and want to follow what they are doing; it does not mean you want anything deeper than letting them know you see them. Like any relationship, friendship takes work; real effort. (in my opinion)