(this is a chapter from my Grief book with some added information for Suicide awareness month)

When I was in nursing school we had to do a psych rotation. We sat with patients that were in inpatient treatment for a myriad of different mental illnesses. One overwhelming theme was suicidal ideation. One of my classmates was talking one day in our post-clinical discussion about suicide, and I remember her saying “well it’s really no big deal, who amongst us hasn’t wished they were dead? Who hasn’t thought about killing themselves?” I began to see suicide in a different light after that, because if it hadn’t been a rhetorical question I would have raised my hand.

Suicide is the act of willfully causing ones own death; and although I have never even considered it for a moment, doesn’t mean it isn’t forefront in many people’s minds. Knowing the why’s and how’s can help to arm us in being with someone who has experienced a suicide in their family or friend group; or have experienced suicidal ideation themselves.

In this book, suicide gets its own separate section, apart from loss of a loved one. Death by suicide is surrounded by stigma and taboo. It even gets its own warning on Netflicks, like smoking, sex, and violence. So much fear surrounds it.

The grief that surrounds suicide is very unique. It is shrouded in questions and quite often feelings of guilt and anger. Those left to grieve the death of a person who was successful in killing themselves are quite often left to grieve alone. Because of the “there but for the grace of God go I” mindset, other people do not know how to be with the grieving. People in and outside of the grief quite often put blame where it does not belong.

I will take a brief sidetrack from discussing grief to write about suicide itself, because it is under-discussed and avoided.

Why does a person commit suicide? For the majority of people who attempt or are successful at killing themselves they feel hopeless. Hopelessness stems from many sources. Wanting to escape from a situation seems to be at the core of hopelessness. Whether mental illness such as depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc; or loss of something: relationship, job, money, etc.; No future; being part of the LGBTQ+ community without support; and post-traumatic situation such as being a veteran or assault survivor; can all be situations from which people may want to escape.

Some groups have higher rates of attempts and success: Veterans, mentally ill, Native-Americans, and LGBTQ+. Age does not seem to determine rate of suicide. The young seem to be more impulsive in their decision to suicide, while older people make more of a plan. More women attempt, and more men are successful.

Some signs that someone may be contemplating suicide:

*Isolating

*Higher than usual anxiety

*Feelings of unbearable pain: physical or mental

*Feelings of being trapped

*Substance use increasing

*researching guns, drugs, or other lethal means

*expressing wanting to die

*not sleeping or sleeping all the time

*expressing hopelessness

*giving away possessions

*increased risky behavior

Many people look at those that attempt suicide as if they are only seeking attention and that it is an extremely selfish act because of the impact it has on the ones left alive. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It is as true for suicide as it is for any death.

People who are suicidal are hopeless. They feel that there is literally no answer to their problems in this world, alive, that they are willing to end their suffering by taking their lives on purpose.

Most people do not know how to be with someone who they may think is suicidal. They are afraid to say or ask the wrong thing. There is no wrong thing. What someone who is considering suicide needs is someone to be with them, to be present, to talk, just be, and to ask the tough questions. If you ask a suicidal person if they are thinking about killing themselves it doesn’t make them suddenly think about killing themselves. You will not give them the idea. They have the idea. Ask that question without judgment. They need to know you are aware and that you care.

If you think someone is suicidal, if you wish to get involved, be with them. Ask questions about what they are planning, what they are feeling, and thinking. Don’t leave them alone. Hide weapons, drugs, etc. Help them get help. They might get mad at you while you are intervening but so be it. If you choose to get involved or NOT; If they end up being successful in carrying out suicide, it is their choice.

These are all the reasons why grief surrounding a suicide is so complex. There will never be clarity, never be complete acceptance. There will forever be the “what-ifs.” Feelings of guilt and shame. Quite often the grief is coupled with the trauma of discovering a body. Usually there is self-inflicted gruesome harm of some kind (shooting, hanging, drug induced vomiting/choking, suffocation).

Familial suicide is not uncommon. If there is a suicide in a family, it is more highly considered among the other family members in the future.

If you or anyone you know is considering suicide please reach out for help. Call the Suicide hotline: call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org