boundaries
Boundary: a line that marks the limit of an area. A boundary can define who we are and who we are NOT. It is a limitation you set for yourself, and others, for your benefit.
Boundaries are very hard to set for yourself if you are a people pleaser. If you weren’t raised to stand up for yourself it can be really difficult to set boundaries in relationships and in the workplace.
As a nurse I have always been a huge proponent for boundaries between patients, patients’ families and the nursing staff. When I worked hospice I was like the boundary police. I was so very careful not to cross from my professional position into a personal friend zone. Being in patients’ homes made that very difficult because of the very fact that we were in their space and providing very intimate care in a highly emotional time.
But it doesn’t have to be a hospice situation for the nurse or CNA to be in an intimate setting with patients. The very act of caring for someone else is intimate. We ask very personal and private questions to do our jobs effectively and patients, in turn, want to learn things about us. Remaining professional and not disclosing personal information gets harder and harder as we all have such public lives on the internet etc.
Ways to keep good boundaries at work might be: don’t “friend” patients or patients’ family members on FB or any social media. Don’t take pictures or have your picture taken with a patient. Don’t disclose any personal information. Don’t use pet names (honey, sweetie, etc.) with patients; and always steer clear of accepting anything from a patient (money, gift, food, etc.).
Setting a boundary around your work and time and effort you are willing to spend at work are professional boundaries too. It’s important to set a boundary of how much you will work. Not going over that line will keep you from “burn-out.” And don’t cross over the line you set for yourself around saying no to every extra thing you are asked to put on your plate.
There is a lot of information and talk out there about personal boundaries. Drawing lines around our hearts and emotions that say “no trespassing,” “that’s far enough,” or “keep away.” Personal boundaries allow an individual to develop and express their unique identity. These boundaries are labeled as healthy or good. But what does that mean? AND how do we do it outside of work and in our relationships?
A personal boundary can be one set to protect physical space (don’t hug me if you are a stranger; my children do not have to hug every adult that wants a hug, that’s close enough; don’t touch); it can be emotional (don’t yell at me, don’t talk down to me, don’t lie to me); or material (don’t use my things without my permission, don’t check my cell phone) financial; and so on.
A personal boundary is not only a line between yourself and someone else, or a line that states what you will accept and not accept for and from others, it can be a line that you set for yourself. You can set a boundary around spending: money, time, effort. You can set a boundary around consuming: things, Netflix, screen time, and food.
There are those of us that have a hard time setting personal boundaries. It can feel very confrontative to stand up for ourselves and not accept bad behavior. Boundaries are like most things; it takes practice to be good at it. The old saying of “we teach others how to treat us” is so true. If we teach others that we have no boundaries set they will walk all over us and may even abuse us because there are no lines marked that say “don’t do that” or “don’t come any closer.” (this is not to say that abuse is our fault, abuse is always the abusers fault)
Personal boundaries can go so many different ways. There is the person who sets boundaries for themselves but never considers another’s or ignores them (see Narcissist blog). There are those that respect professional boundaries and boundaries of other people and can set boundaries around what they will do but not boundaries around themselves and what others can do to them. There are those that take it to extreme and make having a boundary around something an Olympic sport. They talk about boundaries constantly and remind others of their boundaries and won’t do or allow much of anything because of their boundaries.
It can be very confusing; for many reasons. One reason it is hard to wrap your head around boundaries may be that the idea is fairly new. The word and concept is kind of a hot topic, a buzzword, if you will. People like to tell other people what they need a boundary around. BUT who is to decide what is a “healthy” boundary (another buzzword)?
It can also feel confusing because of the differences around gender. Typically men can say no and mean it and they know what they will do and not do and they don’t need an explanation. Women, on the other hand, may say no and mean it but will have to explain it. A boundary for a woman has to be justified and labeled. A diagram has to be drawn, practically, showing exactly why she may or may not need something to be a certain way.
As we talk more about mental health in this country, boundaries will continue to be a topic of discussion. As people are learning to protect their time, space, energy, effort, bodies, minds, and soft underbellies, they will continue to build ways to be stronger in their determination to find peace. Each of us is responsible for setting our own boundaries and finding our voice to let others know what they are.
It may feel awkward to say “I have a boundary around that.” Instead say, “I don’t do that.” or “I’m not willing to do that at this time.” or “Please don’t do that.” Something that establishes where your edge is and remaining consistent in it.
The bottom line: boundaries will aid you in taking accountability for your own happiness and well-being.